Upset (pretty much a vent)

I have a post that I have been thinking about posting for a few weeks... this is not it.

As I had blogged before I have had pelvic pain since January 28th. I finally have a gyno that is going to do something about it. I was supposed to see him last tuesday, instead I woke up with what felt like a heart attack. Sean wasn't happy about it (knowing I would miss my appointment) but as I could barely breathe and movement wasn't really an option he called 911. I had a few scares at the hospital, when 5mg of morphine doesn't help the pain you need to worry. Blood work came back positive for blood clots, the doctor did say the test was very sensitive and he still thought that it was a torn muscle in my chest he couldn't risk my life. I has a CAT scan of my lungs. It was all clear. A torn muscle in my chest is doable, a blood clot in my lung, not so much.

On the tuesday I had also missed an appointment with my family doctor. I also had forms for him for work accommodation. Work was trying to find ways to help me deal with the pain, well my doctor had other ideas. The pain meds which I have been on are very strong, they are not working all the time because I am doing too much. It is hard not to do too much because I never know what will set of an attack. Anyways, he pretty much put me on bed rest, very little walking, no lifting. It pretty much sucks. Good thing I like reading.

Now comes why I am upset. On tuesday afternoons Sean takes Robbie to a program and drops him off for 90 minutes. Not far from the program is the mall where we used to work at Convergys. There is a donair place there that we both like so I suggested we eat a late lunch there. And that is what I did. Sean got mad at me for having a donair when he wasn't (he apparently ate lunch with Robbie), he was also mad at me for talking away his "alone time". Oh course he did not tell me this for a long time and then only because I emailed him saying how upset I was and I blamed myself for his bad mood when he wouldn't talk to me.

This has gotten me pretty upset. We have little time together which is just going to get worse in a few weeks when he is back at school. I thought I was doing a nice thing driving the two of them to the program. As we had talked about this several days ago he could have said at any time he didn't want me to take them. I have spent time today crying. When Sean tries to kiss my cheek I really try not to turn away (but I do). I really do not want to crawl in bed beside him tonight. If I could sleep on the couch and not be in pain I would. I am crying once again.

I am so frustrated. I hate taking the pain meds all the time and worse I hate what this is doing to my family.